How Do I Live
by melpomene1013
Summary: How does Scully go on living now that Mulder has moved on?


Title: How Do I Live  
  
Author: Melpomene  
  
Email: melpomene1013yahoo.com   
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: Millennium  
  
Keywords: M/O, MSR, Angst  
  
Summary: How does Scully go on living   
  
now that Mulder has moved on?  
  
Author's Notes: I'd like to dedicate  
  
this to Christie for all her love and  
  
support, and to all the wonderful fanfic  
  
authors who've inspired me over the years.  
  
How Do I Live  
  
Hoover Building   
  
Basement Office   
  
February 1, 2000, 2:15 pm  
  
Scully fingered the cream velum card, tracing the  
  
black printing with one pink fingernail.   
  
You are cordially invited to a dinner dance  
  
honoring Senator George Carolton on the event  
  
of his retirement, February 3, 2000.  
  
She and Mulder had been invited along with the rest  
  
of the task force who had worked on a big case in   
  
Senator Carolton's home state of Maryland. Young   
  
women had been abducted in the Frederickburg area,  
  
their tortured bodies left in schoolyards. The case  
  
had put the final shine on Carolton's senatorial  
  
career when it was solved after he involved Mulder  
  
in the case.   
  
She'd initially fought against Mulder's involvment--  
  
profiling murderers always took a terrible tole on  
  
her partner. But Skinner had insisted that Carolton  
  
wanted Mulder and that between Scully and himself,   
  
they'd have to keep Mulder safe and sane through  
  
the case.  
  
Mulder had solved the case, coming to a conclusion  
  
in his profile that no one could fathom, but he'd been  
  
right. The murderer had been caught and the last   
  
victim found alive. The positive media attention had  
  
allowed Carolton to take center stage as he was hailed  
  
as the man who brought in the renegade FBI profiler and   
  
drove a positive resolution to the case. Scully had   
  
been annoyed at Carolton taking all the credit, but   
  
Mulder was just pleased not to be dead center in the   
  
media frenzy.  
  
So, two weeks ago, she'd had mixed feelings on receiving  
  
the invitation to Carolton's retirement celebration.   
  
Much as she disliked the senator's attention seeking,  
  
it would be nice to dress up in a beautiful gown and  
  
go to the elegant hotel where the party was being held.  
  
It would also be wonderful to see Mulder in a tuxedo.   
  
Her partner was especially gorgeous in formal dress if  
  
she recalled correctly from the L'Ively case. Only that  
  
time, Mulder had been dancing with that bitch Phoebe  
  
Green. This time, Scully would have Mulder all to herself  
  
and after their New Years kiss, she looked forward to  
  
being in Mulder's arms again. Who knows--maybe this   
  
evening would lead to more kisses... sexier kisses.  
  
Scully was in love with her partner, blindingly,   
  
over-whelmingly in love and it scared her more than  
  
any monster she'd ever come across in her work.   
  
She couldn't remember exactly when she fell in   
  
love with him--maybe as early as that first case  
  
when he'd opened his heart to her. But getting too   
  
close to a co-worker was a risk Scully wasn't willing  
  
to take again, so she'd spent six years keeping her   
  
emotions in check. Now, apparently, that one kiss had   
  
left her terribly vulnerable.  
  
Last week, Scully had been uncharacteristically giddy   
  
when she went shopping for a dress for the dance.   
  
Normally, shopping for Scully was a careful, sober   
  
affair. She'd go into the store, grab three or four   
  
suits in her size and try them on without any fanfare.   
  
She'd choose the suit that fit the best, whose color   
  
didn't make her look too washed out and that would   
  
be the one she bought.  
  
The day she bought the shimmery silver-blue dress had  
  
been very different. She'd pictured herself as a  
  
princess, choosing a gown for the royal ball. In fact,  
  
the dress she chose had a rather lowcut top and a   
  
flowing full skirt and she did feel like a princess in  
  
it. It was like no other garment she'd ever worn.  
  
But Mulder hadn't actually asked her to the dance and   
  
now it was Thursday--only two days before the dance on   
  
Saturday. Scully knew he was going because he'd been   
  
complaining about having to get his tux back from the   
  
cleaners in time. But he hadn't formally asked her   
  
and she wondered if he just assumed they'd go together.  
  
That assumption didn't bother her, really. That was the  
  
way they did things, her and Mulder--casual and unplanned.  
  
They didn't go out on dates. Mulder would simply show   
  
up at her apartment with a six-pack and a movie, or they'd  
  
decide to get dinner after work. They hadn't repeated  
  
the New Years kiss, much to her disappointment. Though  
  
she hadn't been able to talk to him about it, that kiss   
  
had been the most wonderful one of her life.   
  
Scully decided to take charge of the situation. She was  
  
good at that when it came to work--shouting orders that  
  
she expected to be obeyed immediately. But when it came to  
  
personal matters, Scully was much less likely to exert   
  
her authority. New Years Eve she'd wanted to kiss Mulder   
  
back, push him against a wall and plunder his mouth, but  
  
she hadn't. But obviously now she needed to be more   
  
forceful. As soon as Mulder got back from picking up   
  
the fingerprint results from their last case, she was   
  
going to take the bull by the horns and ask him to the   
  
dance.  
  
"Hey Scully," Mulder called out as he returned to the  
  
room. "Looks like the fingerprints are a match after  
  
all."  
  
"Good," she answered. "That ought to tie up the last of  
  
the loose ends on this case."  
  
Mulder dropped the fingerprint analysis on his desk and  
  
dropped down into his chair. "As much as any of our   
  
cases get tied up, I guess."  
  
"Um...Mulder, I was wondering..." God, this was hard.  
  
She hadn't been this tongue-tied since she asked Marcus  
  
to the Winter Frolic back in high school. "About Senator  
  
Carolton's dinner dance...I was thinking maybe we could  
  
go together."  
  
"Scully..." Mulder began. He was extremely nervous,  
  
his eyes unable to meet hers, fidgeting with the papers  
  
on his desk. "I'm...ah...I'm going to Carolton's   
  
party with Agent Serence."  
  
"Oh." Great comeback, Scully, she thought to herself.   
  
"I'm sure you'll have a great time. Krystelle is a   
  
wonderful person."   
  
Scully turned back to her work, hoping that she hadn't   
  
revealed how upset she was. Mulder watched her cautiously.  
  
He tried to gauge whether she was angry. She was tapping  
  
hard at her keyboard, much harder than she needed to.  
  
Scully bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying.   
  
How could he do this to her? How could he kiss her not  
  
even two months ago and then turn around and start dating  
  
someone else? Damn him. Obviously their kiss had   
  
meant a lot more to her than it did to him.  
  
They'd met Agent Serence on the Fredericksburg case.   
  
She'd been one of the few agents on the case who wasn't   
  
vaguely hostile to "Spooky" Mulder. Scully actually   
  
liked Krystelle Serence. There weren't a lot of women   
  
that Scully warmed up to, but Krystelle was really sweet   
  
and nice. And gorgeous, Scully thought. Of course,   
  
Mulder would be drawn to such a beautiful woman.   
  
With her long blonde hair and Victoria Secret lingerie  
  
model body, tons of agents were crazy about Krystelle.  
  
She was just the kind of woman Scully didn't like and the  
  
type that Mulder was attracted to. But Scully couldn't  
  
help but like the other woman.   
  
Maybe that had been because Krystelle had been engaged  
  
to Special Agent Craig Jennings. Krystelle had seemed  
  
so in love with Jennings. Scully had been very surprised  
  
to hear recently that the engagement was off.  
  
Mulder hadn't waisted much time asking Krystelle out.   
  
Scully tried to focus on her computer but the screen   
  
got blurry when tears filled her eyes. How humiliating.  
  
She wished a great hole would appear under her desk,   
  
swallowing her up.  
  
"I'm going to head out a little early," Scully said. It  
  
was only 4 o'clock, but she really couldn't stay at work  
  
a minute longer.   
  
"You okay?" Mulder asked, concerned.  
  
"Just a little headache," she answered as she grabbed her  
  
purse. "I'll see you in the morning."  
  
Mulder watched her go, sighing deeply. How the hell had  
  
he gotten in this much trouble anyway? All he'd been trying  
  
to do was help out Krystelle Serence and now Scully would  
  
probably never speak to him again, much less kiss him.  
  
He'd been going to his car one night the previous week  
  
when he'd found Krystelle crying in her car. Never a man   
  
who could pass by someone in trouble and not offer to help,   
  
he'd knocked on her window. Soon, they were at a neighborhood   
  
bar where she told Mulder how devastated she'd been when Craig   
  
Jennings had broken off their engagement.   
  
Krystelle wasn't sure why Craig had done it. Jennings had  
  
just gotten off a brutal murder case and Mulder suspected  
  
the man was suffering the kind of emotional pain Mulder  
  
was all to familiar with. Mulder could only hope that   
  
Jennings would come to his senses before Krystelle's   
  
heart was irrevokably broken.  
  
Krystelle was puzzled and terribly hurt and Mulder's   
  
heart ached for her. Her lovely face was tear-stained  
  
as she told Mulder how much she dreaded Senator Carolton's  
  
retirement dance. Everyone on the task force knew her  
  
engagement had been broken. She didn't want to go to  
  
the party, but her AD had made attendance mandatory as  
  
Skinner had done for Mulder and Scully.   
  
"Would it help if we went together?" Mulder had asked.  
  
He would have loved to ask Scully to the dance,  
  
but after her reaction to their kiss on New Years Eve,  
  
he'd been sure she'd say no. It had been a completely  
  
impulsive move that propelled him to lean over and   
  
press his lips to hers in the hospital waiting room.   
  
She'd kissed him back, and it had been amazing, though  
  
a little restrained. He'd hoped that the kiss would   
  
be a beginning for them, but Scully seemed content to  
  
forget it. Well, maybe she just wasn't interested in  
  
him like that.  
  
"Oh Mulder, that would be wonderful," Krystelle said,  
  
relief breaking over her lovely face. "Thank you,   
  
thank you."  
  
The day after he saw Krystelle, he knew he should   
  
have told Scully. He should have explained that  
  
Krystelle needed a friend right then. He should have  
  
asked Scully to come along with them and to save  
  
him lots of dances. He knew that Scully would  
  
understand--she was a very kind and generous person  
  
and she was fond of Krystelle.  
  
But something kept him from telling Scully. Maybe  
  
he was still hurt over what he perceived as her  
  
rejection on New Years Eve. Maybe he was just afraid  
  
that she wouldn't care--that she'd be glad to have  
  
him out of her hair. So, he didn't tell her and  
  
the days went by until two days before the party  
  
when she asked him.  
  
Scully had tried not to let him see how upset she  
  
was, but he wasn't fooled. She may have really had  
  
a headache, but it was due to him.   
  
The next day, Scully was all business when she got  
  
to work. She wasn't going to let Mulder know how much  
  
he'd hurt her. Scully had been apparently mistaken  
  
for the last few years when she thought that she and  
  
Mulder were growing closer and closer. Mulder  
  
must not have been feeling the same things that she  
  
did or he wouldn't have found another girl.  
  
Poor Krystelle, Scully thought. If only the other  
  
woman knew how hard Mulder was to deal with. Wait  
  
until the first time Mulder ditched her to chase   
  
some lights in the sky. Or put himself in some   
  
horribly dangerous situation in a crazy attempt to  
  
discover some truth. Let's see how long Krystelle  
  
puts up with that behavior.  
  
Scully made sure she had some errands to run that  
  
day, keeping her out of the basement as much as  
  
possible. She went down to forensics to confer with  
  
some of the technicians there on evidence from their  
  
current case.   
  
When she finally returned to the office, Mulder looked   
  
at her longingly. How could he have been so wrong,   
  
he wondered. He'd assumed Scully wasn't interested  
  
in him after her lukewarm reaction to his kiss, but  
  
if that was true, she wouldn't be this upset.   
  
"Scully," he said. "Why don't you come to the dance   
  
with Krystelle and me? I know Krystelle wouldn't   
  
mind."  
  
Was he insane she wondered. Tag along with him and his  
  
beautiful date? Great. Scully'd surely look like the  
  
bratty little sister trailing after the two gorgeous  
  
creatures.   
  
"Thanks, Mulder, but no."  
  
The day of the dance, Scully kept busy and away from  
  
the phone. She still had to pick up her shoes and  
  
get her hair done. One thing was for sure--she had  
  
to look her best tonight if only so she wouldn't  
  
be humiliated.   
  
Scully had called the salon the day before and asked  
  
to up her hair appointment for "the works." So an   
  
hour appointment turned into several as she had a  
  
massage, body wrap, facial, manicure and pedicure.  
  
Scully left the salon feeling much better. She had  
  
allowed the hairdresser to do something a little   
  
different--her hair was no longer the usual sleek  
  
bob, but softly curled around her face. Scully had  
  
to admit that it was very becoming.  
  
Scully went back to her apartment and found there   
  
were half a dozen messages from Mulder, all begging  
  
her to call him back. She just couldn't face his  
  
pity at her dateless status and erased them all.  
  
Glancing at the clock, Scully realized she would  
  
need to hurry if she didn't want to be late. She  
  
took out the lingerie she'd bought for the dance,  
  
back when she hoped the night might end with   
  
romance.   
  
Sighing, she slipped into the ice blue lace demi-bra   
  
and ice blue tiny little panties and then strapped on   
  
the matching garter belt. Carefully, she pulled on the   
  
sheer stockings and hooked the garters on to hold   
  
them up.   
  
Finally, she reached into the closet and pulled   
  
out her dress. She slipped it on and zipped it  
  
up, turning to look at herself in the full length  
  
mirror.  
  
She nodded at her reflection. This was as good as  
  
it got, she thought. The silver-blue material had  
  
a foil like shine to it and it made her eyes look  
  
even bluer than usual. The skirt was full and the  
  
halter top was cut into a low scoop, revealing a  
  
great deal of skin. Scully hoped everything stayed  
  
in place tonight. Spilling out of her dress would  
  
be even more humiliating than her partner taking  
  
another girl to the dance.  
  
Scully called a cab and went downstairs to wait   
  
for it to come. The sooner this awful night got  
  
started, the sooner it would be over.  
  
Four Seasons Hotel  
  
Washington, DC  
  
February 3, 2000, 8:10 pm  
  
"Agent Scully!"   
  
AD Skinner walked the length of the lobby to meet Scully  
  
as she arrived. With his broad shoulders and narrow  
  
waist, her boss was very handsome in his tuxedo.  
  
"You look very beautiful," he said, admiringly.   
  
"Thank you, sir," she answered, blushing. "You look  
  
very distinquished yourself."  
  
"Is Agent Mulder parking the car?" Skinner asked,   
  
looking through the glass doors to the street.  
  
"I didn't come with Agent Mulder, sir." Scully studied  
  
the tip of her blue satin shoe as it peeked out from the  
  
voluminous material of her skirt. God, she hoped Skinner  
  
didn't probe more. She really didn't want to get into  
  
the whole miserable story.  
  
"Well," her boss said, sensing her discomfort. "Why don't we  
  
go into the dance."   
  
He took her arm and led her through the lobby to the ballroom  
  
where the dinner dance was being held. The dance was a very  
  
elegant affair, and much more formal than Scully had ever  
  
been to. They gave their names to a hotel employee who acted  
  
as announcer, booming each guest's name and official title.  
  
"Assistant Director Skinner," the announcer said as   
  
Skinner entered the room and decended the short staircase  
  
to the reception line.  
  
"Special Agent Dana Scully," the man announced. After  
  
carefully stepping down the staircase, she moved along the   
  
line, shaking hands and smiling at congressmen and dignitaries.   
  
"I'll get us something to drink," Skinner said as  
  
they reached the end of the line. Scully nodded her  
  
agreement and began to look around the room.  
  
"Special Agent Krystelle Serence."  
  
"Special Agent Fox Mulder."  
  
Scully turned as the names were announced and Krystelle and   
  
Mulder stood at the top of the stairs. They look perfect  
  
together, Scully thought miserably as she watched them   
  
decend the stairs together. Krystelle looked beautiful in  
  
an off-the-shoulder red sequined dress. Her blonde hair   
  
was arrainged in curls high on her head.   
  
Mulder looked amazing. He was beautiful in jeans and  
  
a t-shirt, handsome in a business suit, but he was stunning  
  
in formal wear. The sight of him almost brought tears  
  
to Scully's eyes, especially when she noted how perfectly  
  
matched Mulder and Krystelle were--both of them tall,   
  
slender and handsome.  
  
"Here you go, Agent Scully," Skinner said, handing her a  
  
glass of champagne. He looked like he wanted to ask her   
  
why Mulder was with someone else, but Skinner apparently  
  
thought twice about it and kept his questions to himself.  
  
They mingled around the reception area, drinking their  
  
champagne and chatting with the other FBI people. Scully  
  
was more grateful than she could express that her boss  
  
stuck with her. It made a bad situation a lot easier  
  
to handle. A band was playing--stuffy music to  
  
Scully's taste, but it fit this formal affair.  
  
"Would you like to dance?" Skinner asked, gesturing   
  
to the dance floor. Having finished with the receiving   
  
line, Mulder was out there with his arms around Krystelle.   
  
Scully watched as he leaned close to speak to the other   
  
woman. Krystelle laughed at whatever he said, her face  
  
lovely.  
  
"Thank you, sir," Scully answered. They moved to the dance  
  
floor and Skinner took her in his arms. Her boss was so  
  
solid, holding onto him felt like holding onto a mountain.  
  
Scully was afraid that without Skinner for support, she'd  
  
have fallen into a humiliating puddle by now.  
  
They moved around the dance floor and Scully found Skinner  
  
surprisingly light on his feet for such a large person.   
  
But how she wished she was dancing with Mulder instead.  
  
Skinner seemed to be watching something on the dance floor.  
  
As he guided her around, she caught a glimpse of what had  
  
caught his attention. Mulder and Krystelle were still   
  
dancing, but Krystelle was no longer laughing. Actually,  
  
she looked like she was on the verge of tears.   
  
Craig Jennings gaze stood at the edge of the dancers,  
  
a look of terrible pain on his face as he watched his  
  
former fiancee dance with Mulder. Krystelle's gaze  
  
never left him as he stared at her and Mulder.   
  
"What's going on, Scully?" Skinner asked, nodding   
  
toward Mulder and Krystelle.   
  
"I'm not sure, sir."   
  
Mulder and Krystelle had left the dance floor and were   
  
now talking to Jennings. Mulder stood by awkwardly, his  
  
eyes trying to be anywhere but on Jennings and Krystelle   
  
as the two stood toe to toe deep in conversation.  
  
Mulder seemed to be inching away from the other two.  
  
Krystelle was now fully in tears and Jennings was touching   
  
her face, tears in his eyes too. All around them,   
  
people were dancing and talking, oblivious to the   
  
drama unfolding in their midst. Only Scully, Skinner  
  
and Mulder seemed at all aware of the deep emotion  
  
occuring.  
  
The music had come to an end. Skinner and Scully   
  
watched Krystelle and Craig Jennings as they moved   
  
to the exit, his arm around her waist.  
  
"Assistant Director Skinner," Senator Carolton called  
  
out, "I'm so glad you could come. You too, Agent  
  
Scully. My, my, you certainly didn't look like this  
  
on the case, Ms. Scully. I don't think I would have  
  
been able to leave Silver Springs and come back to  
  
Washington if you had."  
  
Scully hadn't remembered Carolton being such a leering  
  
old gargoyle when he had come out to Silver Springs  
  
briefly to check on the progress of the case. Maybe  
  
he was drunk, but his concentration on her cleavage  
  
was making Scully nervous.  
  
"Scully?" Mulder tapped on her bare shoulder, sending   
  
shivers down her spine. "Would you like to dance?"  
  
Mulder was looking at her with such earnest need and  
  
she really did want to get away from Senator Carolton's  
  
wandering eyes.   
  
"Thank you, Mulder. That would be nice," she answered.  
  
He led her out onto the dance floor and put his arms  
  
around her. Though Skinner had felt like a mountain,  
  
Scully felt even more secure in Mulder's arms. He  
  
held her to him, and breathed in her wonderful scent.  
  
How could someone so strong feel so fragile in his  
  
arms?  
  
"What happened to your date, Mulder?" she asked as   
  
they moved around the dance floor.  
  
"I was trying not to eavesdrop, but I did hear part of  
  
it. Craig apparently had a close call on his last   
  
case--he was undercover and his cover was broken and  
  
he almost died. That effected him so badly--he kept  
  
thinking about how dangerous their both his and  
  
Krystelle's jobs were. He thought it was wrong to   
  
get married when one of them might die at any  
  
minute."  
  
"We all have dangerous jobs," Scully said,   
  
sympathetically. "But we can't stop living just  
  
because our lives may be short."  
  
"I think Craig finally figured that out. I'm not  
  
sure what happened, but he realized how wrong he'd  
  
been and when he saw Krystelle tonight, he just had  
  
to get her back."  
  
"I'm glad for her. She's a very nice person. Sorry  
  
about your date, though."  
  
"Scully, please let me explain what happened with  
  
Krystelle," he begged.  
  
"You don't have to Mulder. I've kind of figured it  
  
out for myself."  
  
"She couldn't face coming to this dance alone, Scully.  
  
She was so upset over Craig breaking up with her."  
  
"I know, Mulder. It's really kind of sweet that you  
  
brought her."  
  
"I didn't think you would want to come with me, Scully."  
  
Scully stopped dancing and pushed away from Mulder  
  
a little. She looked into his eyes, questioningly.   
  
"What made you think I wouldn't have agreed to come   
  
with you?"  
  
Mulder looked down at her, his fingers grazing her  
  
arm. He marvelled over how incredibly soft her skin  
  
was. "You remember when we kissed on New Years Eve?"  
  
"Of course I do," she answered. His fingers were so  
  
warm. Her skin tingled from his touch. "What is this  
  
all about, Mulder? Oh, no...you were disappointed  
  
weren't you?"  
  
"No! Of course not. It was the most wonderful   
  
kiss I've ever had. It's just that you seemed sorry  
  
that you'd kissed me afterward."  
  
"Oh Mulder," she said. "You're soooo wrong. I wasn't  
  
sorry--not at all. I was a little afraid that you   
  
were sorry when you started to crack jokes right  
  
after. It was....just the best kiss."  
  
"Scully, would you be really upset if I kissed you  
  
silly here on the dance floor?" he asked, laughing.  
  
She laughed too, and grabbed him by the hand. "I have  
  
a better idea," she called over her shoulder as she  
  
drew him off the dance floor and through the ball room.  
  
When they got through the lobby, she pulled him into  
  
a small alcove off the coat check area.  
  
"Come here," she said as she pulled him down to her.  
  
"Let's do this the right way."  
  
His lips met hers, his tongue flicking across her upper  
  
lip and then nipping at her lower lip before slipping  
  
into her mouth. She met him nip for nip, her own tongue  
  
exploring his mouth. She wanted to drown in his kiss.  
  
"Scully, I love you. I've known it for years, but I  
  
was so afraid you didn't feel the same."  
  
He kissed her again, his hands straying over the   
  
bare skin of her arms and back. She moaned against  
  
his beautiful mouth, feeling more happiness at this   
  
moment than she ever thought possible.   
  
"I love you, Mulder," she gasped, coming up for air.   
  
"I never thought I could love anyone this much."  
  
"And to think," Mulder said. "We almost missed this."  
  
"But we didn't," she responded as she pulled him down  
  
for another kiss. "Thank God, we didn't."  
  
The End. 


End file.
